Uncomfortable Questions About Foster Care that You're Afraid to Ask Out Loud

Let's get awkward (and honest!) and answer some of the more challenging questions people have about foster care. These are a few of the mostly commonly asked questions that families have been brave enough to voice. If you have another question you would like answered in a future post, we've included an anonymous way to submit them at the end of the post.

Question #1: If I don't like my foster child's name, can I change it?

Name changes are a hotly debated topic within the adoption community. The short answer to this question is this: while they are in foster care, no. If you adopt them, yes. But just because you CAN legally change a child's name at the time of adoption, SHOULD you?

Let's discuss...

Foster care is a temporary opportunity to care for a child while their family is in crisis. The goal is reunification, and during their time in care, their families will be given resources and support to hopefully stabilize and move forward together as a healthy family. Since the goal of foster care is reunification, foster parents have a responsibility to honor the child's identity and connection to their family. Therefore, changing a child's name shouldn't even be a consideration during their time in care.

However, if it is determined that a child will not be able to safely return home and will be adopted, the adoptive family will be asked directly as part of the finalization process if they want to change the child's name. Changing a name could be as simple as just changing their last name to match the adoptive parents' last name or as complete as changing their first, middle, and last name. A name change is also not required - adopted children can keep any or all parts of their birth name including their last name if they want.

There are many factors to consider when deciding whether to change a child's name. Some of them include:

• Is there cultural, religious, or family significance to their birth name?
• Are there safety concerns with the child keeping their birth name?
• Is the child old enough to have their own opinion about their name?
• If the child is not old enough, how will they feel about the name change when they are older?
• What purpose does a name change fulfill - is it more for the child's benefit, or the adoptive parent's benefit?

If you are working with The Salvation Army or another SWAN-affiliated adoption agency, your adoption worker will help you to navigate these questions during the time of finalization. Your child's therapist can be another great resource in this discussion.

Question #2: If I say I only want to foster children the same race as me, is that racist?

This question comes up a lot - and for everyone who is brave enough to ask it, there are probably even more who wrestle with it internally. On the flip side, some (usually white) foster parents will proudly declare that "race doesn't matter at all to us!"

But the truth is that race does matter. And what we hear over and over again from transracial adoptees and children of color in the foster care system is that a "colorblind" approach does not work for them. This is the hard truth: if you are a white foster family who is open to caring for children of color, you have a deep and serious responsibility to support their racial identity, find ways to surround them with role models and mentors who look like them, and do the hard work of acknowledging the ways their race affects them every day. Doing this successfully could mean taking the time to educate yourself as well as making more drastic changes to your life, like moving to a more diverse neighborhood, attending a different church, and changing who you socialize with or the places where you spend your free time. (And if you're saying, "That's a lot to ask of me!", consider how much is being asked of children in foster care, who have no choice in the matter.) If white families are not willing to put in this work, then it may be better for them not to care for children of color.

We have had several amazing families who honestly shared that their neighborhood, community, or school district is primarily white and therefore they do not feel like a child of color would feel fully welcomed or supported there. We don't see that as racist, as long as their motivations are about what is best for the children and meeting their needs.

We also see a great need for more families of color to become foster and adoptive parents, so that all children have the opportunity to be with a family who "looks like them" (a wish that is often expressed by children of color awaiting permanency with a forever family). In our community specifically, we especially have a need for African American and bilingual Spanish/English speaking families.

Question #3: Why do biological parents get so many chances after they've hurt their kids - shouldn't it be about what's best for the kids?

Visit any foster parent support group, and you will hear this theme come up over and over again. And it is certainly SO HARD to be the one who is caring for children who have experienced trauma day in and day out, watching them struggle after every family visit, seeing their parents fail them over and over again and wishing that it didn't have to be this way - and yet having zero say into the plans for this child.

While the system certainly isn't perfect and probably never will be, it's important to remember that the intent is to err on the side of protecting families and keeping them together. It helps me to imagine putting myself into the shoes of a parent experiencing foster care. What if, God forbid, I made a mistake that caused me to lose my children? I would want a system that gave me every opportunity to do whatever I could to get them back. Of course, we all would! But for parents who are living in extreme trauma themselves, fighting against systems of poverty, racism, mental illness, substance abuse, homelessness, and other challenges, the road to getting children back is not a straight line. Just like their problems didn't appear overnight, they also won't be easily solved overnight. The system gives them many chances because they deserve many chances - they might not get it perfectly every time, they might make progress and then lose it, but there is no reason that they should be denied the chance to try.

Of course, the kids need to be considered as well, and that is why the Adoption and Safe Families Act puts a time limit on the amount of time reunification efforts have to work. Ultimately, kids deserve permanency and stability, and if that can't be with their families, then adoption might be the best option for them. Just remember that adoption is always a loss, even in the best of circumstances. It is not something that should be taken lightly - and should certainly not be rushed into until every other avenue is explored. So if you are a foster parent who feels caught in this cycle, please try to give grace to yourself - it's so hard. And try to give grace to the parents - it's so hard. And try to give grace to the system - it's so hard. Everybody wants what's best for the child in the end.

Question #4: How much do foster parents get paid?

The answer: zero dollars and zero cents.

Foster parenting is not considered a job and therefore foster parents do not get paid an income. They do get reimbursed a per diem rate for the child's care. This stipend is meant to help cover things like groceries, diapers, gas for transporting kids to visits and appointments, clothing, shoes, toys, extracurricular activities, and school supplies. But many foster parents will be quick to tell you that they end up putting out more money than they bring in. Contrary to the popular belief that foster parents are "in it for the money," we find that most of our foster parents are simply looking to help kids and give them a safe home and a loving childhood. Some of them are even surprised to find that they will receive financial compensation for it.

However, there is a very little-known part of our program that flips this logic on its head a bit. We actually do, in fact, offer one opportunity for foster parents to be paid and to consider foster parenting as their job. We call this the CAPE Program or Professional Foster Parenting. This is a unique program designed for a special kind of family who is able to have one parent who does not work at another job and is available fully to care for the children in their home. These families agree to accept any child who needs a home at any time of the day or night. They also agree to care for children who have increased needs such as frequent visitation/therapy/medical appointments (possibly transporting further distances), or more severe behavior problems. Instead of being reimbursed for the children in their care, these families will be paid a consistent rate to keep their home open, even between placements. If you feel that this program is something that may be a good fit for your family, please contact us to learn more.

Do you have another awkward or uncomfortable question about foster care or adoption that you want to know, but are afraid to ask? You can submit it anonymously here! We will answer submitted questions in future posts.

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