From The Editor: ‘I’m So Proud of You’

There are some words we all long to hear; this is an innate longing deep inside who we are as humans. “I love you,” is one of those phrases. I believe “I’m proud of you,” is another thing we crave to hear.

As the quiet, perfectionist, peace-keeping middle child of a large family, I only wanted positive attention. I longed to be seen being gentle, generous, and helpful. I wanted people to notice when I succeeded or accomplished what I set out to do. I wanted to be recognized for my goodness. Do you see the subtle trap I fell into?

I grew proud of my humility.

I was disappointed when I didn’t receive accolades. I was offended any time I wasn’t considered the best at something. I would be upset if someone didn’t thank me for my help. All I wanted to hear was “I’m so proud of you,” feeling like I was entitled to it. I deserved praise and admiration. I silently demanded it from everyone around me. And I was empty when I didn’t receive it.

But when I did receive thanks and compliments, I felt awkward and uncomfortable. I needed it, but I didn’t know how to receive it. I fully believe this is because I was going about it in a completely incorrect, even immoral, way.

Jesus talks about this issue multiple times in scripture. In Matthew 6:5 he says, “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full.”

In Luke 18:10-14 he tells a Parable of a righteous pharisee and a deeply flawed tax collector, both approaching the throne of God:

“Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people — robbers, evildoers, adulterers — or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’

“But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’

“I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

I fell into the proud Pharisee trap. I was doing all the right things, but for all the wrong reasons. It wasn’t to serve God and others; it was to serve my ego. And I didn’t even notice. I only occasionally felt the friction against my soul, never really taking the time to dig in and discover where I was going wrong.

I still struggle with this faulty pride. I still have a hard time accepting compliments. But being aware of the root of this struggle allows me to take part in the process; it gives me the opportunity to surrender my pride and to thank my Creator for working through me to impact the world in my small way. Thank God I get to be a tool in His toolbox and not a tarnishing, weathered statue on a shaky pedestal of pride.